A vignette, in one brief act

SCENE: an historic house in downtown Pensacola.

SINFONIAN, a dirty fucking hippie blogger, is talking with his Republican girlfriend MISS JULY about Republicans.

SINFONIAN: Bobby Jindal is a moron.

MISS JULY: What Republican isn't a moron to you?

SINFONIAN (playfully): You.

(MISS JULY chuckles.)

SINFONIAN: See, you don't just blindly follow Republican doctrine without thinking. You're more of a Charlie Crist Republican. (He pauses for effect.) You both like men.

CURTAIN

Truer words were never spoken

Just heard in David Letterman's monologue on tonight's Late Show:

"Sunday's game is Super Bowl 43. I don't know what kind of game it's going to be, but it can't be any worse than President 43."

Heh, indeed.

Cooking with what?!

I'm not sure why this frightens me so much, but it just does.

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that."

Once you overcome [no pun intended, apparently -- Ed.] any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients - you will love this cook book!

Good thing I didn't see this before Thanksgiving. "No, thanks -- I think I'll pass on the creme brulée this time."

Well, look at it this way: it could be worse: like a cook book by a "Serbian testicles chef." Ouch.

(h/t Eschaton commenter Mike)

Opening today at a theatre near you: "Wingnut Wankfest"

According to the ads that have been blanketing my radio of late, there's a right-wing "comedy" movie opening today called "An American Carol." The radio ads tout that "[since] right-wing movies are almost illegal in Hollywood, [the movie's stars,] Kevin Farley, Kelsey Grammer, Trace Adkins, Jon Voight, and Dennis Hopper are practically criminals." Well, if it's a crime to appear in a film that threatens to be bad on a colossal, historical level, then yeah, they're criminals all right.

Obviously, the cast reads like a Who's Who of wingnut actors, and the director, David Zucker of Airplane! and Naked Gun fame, has said part of his motivation for making the film is that he's fed up with Christian-bashing, and especially Catholic-bashing, in popular culture ... although he's Jewish.

It's instructive to note that the film was never screened for critics. Typically, when that happens, it means the movie is destined for the $5.99 DVD bin at Wal-Mart within weeks ... and I'm sure this one is no exception.

No, I haven't seen the movie, and I don't plan to do so. I'm still recovering from last night's Sarah Palin Comedy Hour, so why would I want to subject myself to more crazed wingnut "humor?"

The fact is, I don't have to see the movie to know that it sucks because, as I've pointed out before numerous times, Republicans aren't funny. Period. There's no two ways about it. Republicans don't understand humor, they can't tell jokes -- when they try, they're usually racist or sexist and uniformly unfunny -- and their attempts at mass media comedy have been nothing short of execrable.

As for Carol itself, trust me -- I've seen the trailer -- this film blows goats (I have proof). The plot relies on a "Christmas Carol"-like motif, as a character who is a parody of Michael Moore leads a movement to abolish the Independence Day holiday but is "visited by three ghosts who try to change his perception of the country," according to IMDB. It's going to be just as abysmal as it sounds, so run! -- don't walk! -- away from any theatre showing this inevitable turd this weekend.

It's sad, really ... I remember when Dennis Hopper was cool ...

Telling the truth about McCain

I like this video revealing the true Huggy Bear. The spelling, not so much, but then I'm a notorious pedant. (see update below)

Maverick.

Corruptible.

Please make a note of it.

(h/t fakejohnmccain)

UPDATE (5:33 pm 8/14/08): The corrected version of the video, sans misspellings, is now posted above. Thanks to Plisko1.

GOP is a joke in your town

So Focus on (Exploiting) the Family (FOF) has decided to yank the video in which followers are urge to pray for rain "of Biblical proportions" to fall on Denver's Invesco Field when Barack Obama accepts the Democratic presidential nomination. Here's the video if you missed it:

Well, the guy who produced the video, Stuart Shepard, director of digital media for FOF, now says he was just kidding around, and FOF echoes the sentiment:

Stuart Shepard, director of digital media at Focus Action, the political arm of Focus on the Family, said the video he wrote and starred in was meant to be "mildly humorous."

But complaints from about a dozen Focus members convinced the organization to pull the video, said Tom Minnery, Focus Action vice president of public policy.

"If people took it seriously, we regret it," Minnery said Monday.

[...]

The video's point, Shepard said, is that in his view Obama has not clearly stated his stances on abortion and gay marriage, important themes within the Christian right.

"I'm still pro life, and I'm still in favor of marriage as being between one man and one woman," Shepard said in the video. "And I would like the next president who will select justices for the next Supreme Court to agree."

As for his praying for a deluge: "It's called hyperbole," Shepard said Monday. "It is meant to be humorous."

Yeah, funny as a crutch, Rich -- I mean, Stu. What really happened was you released the video and, when it was roundly and appropriately castigated as ridiculous and hateful, you tried the old Republican ploy of claiming, "It was just a joke!"

There have been an inordinate number of examples of this, when Republicans act like they were "only kidding" and if you didn't get the joke, well, you're just hypersensitive. Who can forget these classic comedy routines?

• Huggy Bear's hilarious ape rape joke:
  
  

  In an appearance before the National League of Cities and Towns in Washington D.C., McCain supposedly asked the crowd if they had heard "the one about the woman who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly and left to die?"
  
  The punch line: "When she finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, her doctor leans over to hear her sigh contently and to feebly ask, "Where is that marvelous ape?"
  
  [...]
  
  The Huffington Post reached out to the original reporter in that story, Norma Coile (who after talking to multiple sources months after it was told wrote about the response to the rape joke in the [Tucson] Citizen) to find out if she thought it was true.
  
  "I'm not sure exactly what the wording was of the joke, but something was said. Some joke involving a rape and ape was said. Enough women repeated it to me at the time and the McCain campaign had a non-denial denial," said [reporter Norma] Coile, now with the Arizona Daily Star. "It came after his 'Seizure World' joke, in which he referred to the [retirement community] Leisure World as Seizure World... I just think it reinforced this idea that John McCain is humor-challenged. Whatever his qualities, he seems to have a tin ear for how these jokes will go over."

• Huggy's dig at Chelsea Clinton: "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno." Yes, there's that "roguish" sense of humor again ...
  


• The knee-slapper riff on Native Americans by then-U.S. Sen. Bob Bennet (R-Utah), who referred to Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell (R-Colo.) in a hearing thusly: “Aside from doing a rain dance and making it rain, we’ll assign that to Senator Campbell, I’m not sure what you can do.”


• Then-presidential candidate Mike Huckabee at the NRA conference: "After hearing a noise backstage, Huckabee strayed from his prepared remarks and said, 'That was Barack Obama, he just tripped off a chair, he’s getting ready to speak. Somebody aimed a gun at him and he dove for the floor.' "


• Registered Republican and Oklahoma State University student government candidate Christ Best's riotously funny views on women: "Women's rights? What rights do women need ... Why should we let an inferior sex have their own special right? ... All I can think that women have given to this world are hate, injustice, prejudice and inequality toward hard-working, smart, white males."

There are plenty more, as a simple Google search will reveal.

I would like to think that it's just because a Republican's "sense of humor" is vastly different from my own. I mean, I don't consider myself especially funny or an expert on comedy, but come the fuck on -- what exactly is humorous about rape, racism, and threatening people?

Basically, what I think is that Republicans generally think their brand of "humor" is funny to other Republicans, because it portrays the hate and divisiveness that are the hallmarks of the modern GOP. And whenever they say something that they actually mean, but it's taken badly by normal, non-hateful people, their stock response is that it was "just a joke."

Actually, Republicans, like the Purple Heart band-aids in 2004 and Fox News' piss-poor attempt to imitate The Daily Show, your "jokes" are not funny. In fact, it's like the graffito I once read on the wall of the bathroom at the Republican National Committee's headquarters: "Why are you looking up here? The joke is in your hand!"

Oh, lighten up, GOP -- I'm only kidding! Get it?!

UPDATE (9:27 am 8/13/08): Crooks & Liars has more, including this excellent point: "Um, Tom [Minnery]? People took it seriously because Focus took it seriously."

UPDATE (10:44 pm 8/13/08): I'm sure that many of these people were just kidding. Disgusting.

Unfortunate misspelling

I realize that hors d'oeuvres is a very difficult word (or words) to spell.

However, I believe Dr. Freud might like to speak with whoever created this sign, on a Beach Drive bar in St. Petersburg.

On second thought, maybe they misspelled "whore" and "devours."

Sinfonian for President?

Far-fetched, you say? Not according to this website and video:



(h/t reader MG -- get your own here)

Douchebag of the Day: Mark Klein

No, I'm not stealing Atrios' Wanker of the Day shtick, but there really is no other word to describe "comic" Mark Klein other than "douchebag." And so while David "Bobo" Brooks did his best to deserve being a Douchebag of the Day for his dick-swinging, dumbass diatribe about how awesome the Surge has been and how noble Drunky McStagger was for creating it*, it's Klein who takes the prize today.

I was listening to my favorite syndicated morning radio show, the Bob and Tom Show, this morning, as I always do and have done since the early '90s, and typically the show isn't very political. Oh, I get the impression sometimes that Tom is a bit of a libertarian and that none of them particularly care for taxes, but they also all seem to agree that Drunky is a moron and that the country is in need for a change.

Anyway, Klein was complaining on the radio today because Huggy Bear is too far left for him. "Barack Obama," said Klein, "is an empty shell of a man who's never had an original thought, and John McCain isn't much better." According to Klein, we ought to "drill ANWR like a bad tooth" because we HAVE TO HAVE OIL and there's plenty there -- "I'm not into windmills and alternative energy and all that." Well, great ... why should he care if he and his ilk destroy the planet? I'll bet you a dollar that Klein doesn't have any kids -- not that it makes a difference, but it's certainly easier to be selfish and ignore future generations if you're not responsible for any of them ... If Klein does have kids, he's even dumber than I thought.

Anyway, I thought maybe Klein was just using hyperbole for "comedic" effect, so I checked out his website. Touting himself as a pro-business comedian, he makes his living largely off of corporate appearances, generally in front of right-wing companies and organizations who undoubtedly appreciate his Hannity-worshipping riffs on "elitist liberals" and "crazy left-wing whackjobs" and such. His manifesto, if there is one, appears to be a column he wrote for the Louisville, Ky. version of Business First, which his website hilariously misspells as "Buisiness First." (Show me a right-wing nutcase and I'll show you a moron who can barely spell his own name ... but I digress.) Check out this screed -- and see how many factual errors and unsubstantiated allegations you can find:

Here's a news flash. If you're meeting a payroll, paying your taxes, playing by the rules and making a profit besides, you're one of the good guys, not the bad guys.

Every vice that the enviro-hysteric, anti-capitalism, business-is-evil crowd would have you forego is actually a revenue-generating weapon in the war against those who would have us live like beet-farming collectivists instead of Americans.

This is heresy on the typical college campus, and it no doubt will come as a shock to those who will soon leave the cloistered embryo of arrested development that post-secondary education has become.

Soon, most of the multiply pierced and singly minded will have to apply to the Great Satan for a job, or find a way to remain in ivy-clad denial.

It never fails to amuse, the sight of the well-intended driving to EarthSave meetings in their Town Cars to urge electro/solar/pedal power on the rest of us.

How, then, to remedy this lack of understanding among those who, above all else, demand that the rest of us understand how Nike is doing the devil's work, or why the peace-loving villagers of Gaza feel compelled to strap Thermite to their children and send them off to play?

I suggest implementing an ignorance tax — a levy on the lack of real-world knowledge. For every correct answer or logical deduction, you could deduct a specified amount of money from your tax bill.

Or, if you mistakenly believe that more and higher taxes actually benefit someone besides government employee unions, you could specify exactly how your tax dollars are spent.

Consider the implications. Knowing why "Chappaquidick" is a significant word in the American political lexicon would reduce someone's tax bill, and coincidentally give them a new perspective on Sen. Kennedy's credibility when he lectures on issues of morality and responsibility.

Having a keener grasp of the economics of recycled newsprint, for which there is no demand, and oil, for which there is and always will be high demand, would lower your financial obligation to the government, and at the same time encourage a new interest in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

Knowing a lot is not the answer to every problem. Just ask any tenured professor who is out-earned by the fourth assistant coach and towel sorter.

But familiarity with historical and economic reality brings with it a certain comfort — the gratifying feeling that only a giant American car with a full tank of fossil fuel and a glove box full of cigars can bring.

So, basically, Klein is Rush Limbaugh sans pharmaceuticals ... he's Sean Hannity with worse hair ... and, yes, he's a hateful, selfish, right-wing prick. Proof positive: among the Neanderthal set, there's nothing funnier than a reference to Chappaquiddick** -- never mind that it happened four fucking decades ago. Old material just means there isn't anything new for the Right to slam. Oh, and Mark, do you have a cite for your allegation that there's no demand for recycled newsprint? Yeah, I didn't think so ... oh, and when you come up with a way to recycle fossil fuels, let us know. New and better strawmen, please ....

Do yourself a favor: if Mark Klein ever appears at a comedy club in your area, find something else to do that night.

UPDATE (9:54 am 6/26/08): After a mention later in the show of an Al Gore appearance on national television, Klein "wittily" interjected, "I trust he took public transportation to the studio?" Hey, Mark, you call that hypocrisy? How about, for example, consistently voting against gay rights and then tapping your foot in an airport men's room? Now that's hypocrisy!

UPDATE (1:37 pm 6/26/08): Here's a better example of hypocrisy: a Vietnam veteran allegedly tortured for five years at the "Hanoi Hilton" later becomes a U.S. senator and presidential candidate and supports torture. Flip, meet Flop.

---

* Yes, I know the column originally appeared in the New York Times on Tuesday, but it was in my local fishwrap today. So there.

** Note that Klein's column dates from 2003, well before Sen. Kennedy's recent illness.

Here, have a joke

Remember, kids, it's not nice to point and laugh, unless you're pointing and laughing at a Republican. Actually, it's mandatory to point and laugh at Drunky McStagger whenever possible.

Got this one in my e-mail over the weekend:

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit an Episcopal Church in Washington as part of his campaign to restore his pathetic poll standings.

His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president's position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the Veterans Administration. We'll make a $100,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the President is a saint."

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The Church is desperate for funding - I'll do it."

Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began: "I'd like to speak to you all this morning about our President who is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence numb-nut who can't put a compound sentence together.

"He bugged out of combat service during the Vietnam War and went AWOL to avoid a drug test, then had all reports on the sordid event destroyed.

"He is the spawn of a Nazi loving great grandfather who smuggled anti-Americans into this country on his shipping line.

"He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people.

"He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated country on earth. It is a three-trillion dollar folly.

"He appointed fund-raiser cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction due to government paralysis after Hurricane Katrina.

"He awarded no-bid cost-plus contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a greater gap between rich and poor than we've had since the Depression.

"He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome.

"The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 Trillion Dollars.

"Oil rose from $18 to over a hundred per barrel, leading to transportation costs which the people of America cannot afford, with low minimum wages, part time jobs, no health insurance, and outsourcing.

"Vital research into global warming and stem cells is stifled because he's afraid to lose votes from religious kooks.

"He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known, but compared to Dick Cheney... George W. Bush is a saint."

Bill-O and the Teleprompter: a love story

Perhaps you saw the video recently of renowned asshole Bill O'Reilly completely losing his shit over a malfunctioning teleprompter during his days as host of Inside Edition.

Well, I'm rather fond of this version, the dance mix. I originally heard the song the other day, but this is the first time I'd seen the video.

Instant classic.


(h/t Eschaton commenter chiggins)

The lighter side of government

According to the Palm Beach Post today, state Sen. Dave Aronberg (D-Greenacres) introduced an amendment to a bill that would ban saggy pants in public schools. Aronberg's amendment, offered in jest, would have excluded students studying refrigerator repair or plumbing.

The money quote? Aronberg said, "We're talking about opening the door just a crack." (Post, March 13, 2008, page 14A)

The cuddly side of warrantless surveillance

"We love you and want to protect you from terrorists, who want to undermine our system of laws and democracy. So we have to undermine our system of laws and democracy to protect you from terrorists."

Heh, indeed.

(h/t JP at presto change-o!)

lolwwii

Here's a little morning entertainment for you. Watch and learn ...

Feeling sadistic?

Thanks to Molly Ivors of Parenting and Kidding and PowerPop Eschaton commenter V for Virginia, I've discovered that the Internets are good for releasing latent aggression ... although it can become rather hypnotic.

Go have fun throwing Drunky McStagger around. You can click and drag and everything. But beware of when he gets stuck on a bunch of bubbles. I always find it most satisfying to pull him, often by the ass or some inconvenient part of the body, between two bubbles where it looks like there won't be enough room ...

click for larger image -- you know you want to

It probably works best on a high-speed connection. Note especially the creepiness of how he "breathes" when he's folded up on top of some bubbles ... ewwww.

Enjoy!

Kenny Quinnell is old

Scene: a bar in Tallahassee, at a table with FPC chair Kenny Quinnell, Eschaton commenter ::matthew, and a beautiful Dane named Eline, age 19.

Said Eline to Kenny, quite earnestly, "You'd be a great uncle or dad."

For the record, I was the oldest one at the table. This pleases me.

For a good time, call ...

This is great.

From the office of U.S. Sen. Larry Craig:

"Watch found in the men's room on the 5th floor in the NW Corner of the Hart Building. It is not working, but if someone from your office lost it, please let me know.

Sometimes the comedy writes itself. But, then, you knew that already.

For those who need a good laugh today

It's not so much laughing at the model. It's laughing at the anchors laughing at the model that gets me. (Plus I remember Jim Vance and George Michael -- no, not that one -- from my days in D.C.)

Enjoy the non-political schadenfreude.

Dick (from) Wyoming meets Tony Montana

This is an oldie but a goodie. Here's what might happen if Dick Cheney were in Scarface.

Best Family Guy quote ever

We were chatting at Eschaton today about Sarah Jessica Parker ... which reminded me of a line from Family Guy.

Peter was complaining about censorship on television, and he uttered the immortal line, "They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV and she looks like a foot!"

Positively sublime.