No, I'm not stealing
Atrios' Wanker of the Day shtick, but there really is no other word to describe "comic" Mark Klein other than "douchebag." And so while David "Bobo" Brooks did his best to deserve being a Douchebag of the Day for his
dick-swinging, dumbass diatribe about how awesome the Surge has been and how noble
Drunky McStagger was for creating it*, it's Klein who takes the prize today.
I was listening to my favorite syndicated morning radio show, the
Bob and Tom Show, this morning, as I always do and have done since the early '90s, and typically the show isn't very political. Oh, I get the impression sometimes that Tom is a bit of a libertarian and that none of them particularly care for taxes, but they also all seem to agree that Drunky is a moron and that the country is in need for a change.
Anyway, Klein was complaining on the radio today because
Huggy Bear is
too far left for him. "Barack Obama," said Klein, "is an empty shell of a man who's never had an original thought, and John McCain isn't much better." According to Klein, we ought to "drill ANWR like a bad tooth" because we HAVE TO HAVE OIL and there's plenty there -- "I'm not into windmills and alternative energy and all that." Well, great ... why should he care if he and his ilk destroy the planet? I'll bet you a dollar that Klein doesn't have any kids -- not that it makes a difference, but it's certainly easier to be selfish and ignore future generations if you're not responsible for any of them ... If Klein
does have kids, he's even dumber than I thought.
Anyway, I thought maybe Klein was just using hyperbole for "comedic" effect, so I checked out
his website. Touting himself as a pro-business comedian, he makes his living largely off of corporate appearances, generally in front of right-wing companies and organizations who undoubtedly appreciate his Hannity-worshipping riffs on "elitist liberals" and "crazy left-wing whackjobs" and such. His manifesto, if there is one, appears to be
a column he wrote for the Louisville, Ky. version of
Business First, which his website hilariously misspells as "
Buisiness First." (Show me a right-wing nutcase and I'll show you a moron who can barely spell his own name ... but I digress.) Check out this screed -- and see how many factual errors and unsubstantiated allegations you can find:
Here's a news flash. If you're meeting a payroll, paying your taxes, playing by the rules and making a profit besides, you're one of the good guys, not the bad guys.
Every vice that the enviro-hysteric, anti-capitalism, business-is-evil crowd would have you forego is actually a revenue-generating weapon in the war against those who would have us live like beet-farming collectivists instead of Americans.
This is heresy on the typical college campus, and it no doubt will come as a shock to those who will soon leave the cloistered embryo of arrested development that post-secondary education has become.
Soon, most of the multiply pierced and singly minded will have to apply to the Great Satan for a job, or find a way to remain in ivy-clad denial.
It never fails to amuse, the sight of the well-intended driving to EarthSave meetings in their Town Cars to urge electro/solar/pedal power on the rest of us.
How, then, to remedy this lack of understanding among those who, above all else, demand that the rest of us understand how Nike is doing the devil's work, or why the peace-loving villagers of Gaza feel compelled to strap Thermite to their children and send them off to play?
I suggest implementing an ignorance tax — a levy on the lack of real-world knowledge. For every correct answer or logical deduction, you could deduct a specified amount of money from your tax bill.
Or, if you mistakenly believe that more and higher taxes actually benefit someone besides government employee unions, you could specify exactly how your tax dollars are spent.
Consider the implications. Knowing why "Chappaquidick" is a significant word in the American political lexicon would reduce someone's tax bill, and coincidentally give them a new perspective on Sen. Kennedy's credibility when he lectures on issues of morality and responsibility.
Having a keener grasp of the economics of recycled newsprint, for which there is no demand, and oil, for which there is and always will be high demand, would lower your financial obligation to the government, and at the same time encourage a new interest in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
Knowing a lot is not the answer to every problem. Just ask any tenured professor who is out-earned by the fourth assistant coach and towel sorter.
But familiarity with historical and economic reality brings with it a certain comfort — the gratifying feeling that only a giant American car with a full tank of fossil fuel and a glove box full of cigars can bring.
So, basically, Klein is Rush Limbaugh
sans pharmaceuticals ... he's Sean Hannity with worse hair ... and, yes, he's a hateful, selfish, right-wing prick. Proof positive: among the Neanderthal set, there's nothing funnier than a reference to Chappaquiddick** -- never mind that it happened
four fucking decades ago. Old material just means there isn't anything new for the Right to slam. Oh, and Mark, do you have a cite for your allegation that there's no demand for recycled newsprint? Yeah, I didn't think so ... oh, and when you come up with a way to recycle fossil fuels, let us know. New and better strawmen, please ....
Do yourself a favor: if Mark Klein ever appears at a comedy club in your area, find something else to do that night.
UPDATE (9:54 am 6/26/08): After a mention later in the show of an Al Gore appearance on national television, Klein "wittily" interjected, "I trust he took public transportation to the studio?" Hey, Mark, you call
that hypocrisy? How about,
for example, consistently voting against gay rights and then tapping your foot in an airport men's room? Now
that's hypocrisy!
UPDATE (1:37 pm 6/26/08): Here's a better example of hypocrisy: a Vietnam veteran allegedly tortured for five years at the "Hanoi Hilton" later becomes a U.S. senator and presidential candidate and
supports torture. Flip, meet Flop.
* Yes, I know the column originally appeared in the New York Times on Tuesday, but it was in my local fishwrap today. So there.
** Note that Klein's column dates from 2003, well before Sen. Kennedy's recent illness.
Labels: Bob and Tom, comedy, Mark Klein, wingnuts
