Michael Chertoff, environmentalist

I know I'm not the first to spot this, but when I read it in the Palm Beach Post this morning, I nearly choked on my cereal:

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff on Monday defended the construction of a fence along the southwest border, saying it's actually better for the environment than what happens when people illegally cross the U.S.-Mexico line.

"Illegal migrants really degrade the environment. I've seen pictures of human waste, garbage, discarded bottles and other human artifact in pristine areas," Chertoff said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. "And believe me, that is the worst thing you can do to the environment."

Are you fucking kidding me? The border fence is a good thing because it helps the environment?

Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket. Just when I thought I'd read the stupidest thing ever uttered by a member of the Bush crime syndicate, another one of those asshats comes along and tops it. Seriously, the absurdity of that statement is something even The Onion couldn't dream up. And yet, somewhere, Duncan Hunter is standing and applauding.

Cherty, you're doing a heckuva job.

Dueling headlines

I managed to avoid miss the GOP debate last night. I can't subject my brain to that much abject stupidity.

But it's interesting to see the divergent views from the MSM on what the debate meant.

From Agence France Presse (normally a decent source):

US Republicans hammer Democrats on Iraq

From the Associated Press (usually all the news that's fit to print with a rightward slant):

GOP candidates shy away from Bush

Either way, it's not their fault! (That goes double for the congressional enablers at the debate who gave Bush his way, including McCain, Tancredo, Hunter, and Brownback.)

An aside: speaking of Duncan Hunter, what the hell was he thinking when he said this (quoted in the AP article linked above)?

"If they get across my fence, we sign them up for the Olympics immediately," said Rep. Duncan Hunter of California, a vocal opponent of the bill and a proponent of building more fencing along the U.S border with Mexico.

Racist much, Duncan? Or just stupid?

Behind the politics

Did you see the article yesterday about the preznitshul candidates' hidden talents?

[DEMOCRATS]

Delaware Sen. Joe Biden: "Designing homes."

New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton: "I love crossword puzzles."

Connecticut Sen. Chris Dodd: "Speaking Spanish fluently — I picked it up while in the Dominican Republic as a Peace Corps volunteer."

Former North Carolina Sen. John Edwards: "Jump shot."

Ohio Rep. Dennis Kucinich: "Hits just as well against right-handers as left-handers."

Illinois Sen. Barack Obama: "I'm a pretty good poker player."

New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson: "Boxing trivia."

___

REPUBLICANS:

Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback: "Auctioneering. Bull riding (once in college.)"

Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani: "Listening."

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee: "Voice impersonations of dozens of celebrities."

California Rep. Duncan Hunter: "Making rifle scabbards out of leather."

Arizona Sen. John McCain: "Barbecue grill chef."

Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney: "Singing."

Colorado Rep. Tom Tancredo: "After 30 years in politics, there is no talent that has not been exploited."

I love Kucinich's answer (one presumes that he means he can't hit either one), but compare the answers overall between the Democrats and Republicans. I can draw several conclusions:

1. Democrats have a sense of humor (although I reluctantly give kudos to Tancredo who, although he's an asshole, seems to have a good sense of the ironic).

2. Republicans like weapons (viz., Hunter).

3. It's just a matter of time until Romney has his "Let the Eagle Soar" moment.

4. Rudy Giuliani is even more deluded than I thought. I'd like to ask his ex-wives how well he listens. (For that matter, you could say the same about me ... but, then, I'm not running for president.)

5. Barack Obama smokes and plays poker, which is pretty cool.

Add your own (suggested) hidden talents (either for the candidates or yourself) in the comments. Here's one to get you started:

John McCain: Taking walks with his friends.

Republican follies, today featuring Rudy Giuliani

Too bad I already bestowed today's Daily Schadenfreude award on Newt Gingrich, because a fellow GOP presidential hopeful has more problems of his own.

One of the nation's largest firefighters' union has accused Republican presidential contender Rudy Giuliani, the former New York City mayor, of committing "egregious acts" against firefighters who died in the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

The International Association of Fire Fighters, in a draft letter, excoriated Giuliani for his November 2001 decision to cut back the number of firefighters searching the rubble of Ground Zero for the remains of some 300 fallen comrades.

The 280,000-member union accused him of expediting the clean-up process with a "scoop-and-dump" operation after the recovery of millions of dollars in gold, silver and other assets from the Bank of Nova Scotia that had been buried.

It's really quite humorous to watch the Repukes try to find a candidate that isn't an utter disaster. Let's see ...

there's Newt, and I've already given him more attention than he deserves today (plus he's not even a declared candidate) ...

... there's Mitt, whose campaign is a comedy of errors ...

... there's Crazy John McCain, the erstwhile maverick whose only unusual move to date is pushing for more, not fewer, troops in Iraq ...

... the longshots like Duncan "Ann Coulter's Crush" Hunter, Mike Huckabee, Sam Brownback, and Tom Tancredo ...

... and now Rudy's finding even ways to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

There's really nothing quite so satisfying as watching the Repukes shoot each other in the face foot for the privilege of losing in the general election.

Today's Daily Schadenfreude: Sen. James Inhofe (R-Okla.)

I'm not even sure this is schadenfreude, but since Atrios has "Wanker of the Day" covered, I've got to recognize James "I Heart the 19th Century" Inhofe somehow.

The level of stupidity this guy demonstrates is truly astonishing. Witness his latest spew at -- you guessed it, the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC):

Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-Okla.) got the crowd cheering early in the day. "I have been called -- my kids are all aware of this -- dumb, crazy man, science abuser, Holocaust denier, villain of the month, hate-filled, warmonger, Neanderthal, Genghis Khan and Attila the Hun," he announced. "And I can just tell you that I wear some of those titles proudly."

Which ones do you wear proudly, Senator? And what kind of mouth-breathing idiots would cheer such a thing?

(As an aside, CPAC was absolutely stuffed to the gills with perverse bloviating, from Ann Coulter's hateful slur against John Edwards to Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-Third Cave on the Right) suggesting -- apparently seriously -- building a wall along the U.S.-Mexican border, a tactic that you'll recall was so successful in Berlin. Oh, and Ann endorsed Mitt Romney:

"I think he's probably our best candidate," she said. She'd prefer Duncan Hunter, she said, but "I'm being realistic." And, besides, "I love Mormons," Coulter said. "In 1992, Bill Clinton came in third in Utah."

I'm all for free speech, but I would prefer that one's brain be connected to the mouth before uttering, well, anything.)

It's hard to choose just one moron worthy of ridicule from CPAC, but Inhofe wins the grand prize today for just being unbelievably, incredibly, historically stupid. So, congratulations, Sen. Inhofe -- today's Blast Off! Daily Schadenfreude is for you!