Why Harry Potter will never teach in Florida

Hoo boy. Just when you thought it was safe to come out of your insanity-resistant cave comes news from Pasco County, north of Tampa, that explains rather clearly why Florida's legislature is crawling with batshit insane fundies. In short, it must be the batshit insane fundies who vote for them ...

Well, another Pasco County substitute teacher's job is on the line, but this time it's because of a magic trick.

The charge from the school district — Wizardry!

Substitute teacher Jim Piculas does a 30-second magic trick where a toothpick disappears then reappears.

But after performing it in front of a classroom at Rushe Middle School in Land 'O Lakes, Piculas said his job did a disappearing act of its own.

"I get a call the middle of the day from head of supervisor of substitute teachers. He says, 'Jim, we have a huge issue, you can't take any more assignments you need to come in right away,'" he said.

When Piculas went in, he learned his little magic trick cast a spell and went much farther than he'd hoped.

"I said, 'Well Pat, can you explain this to me?' 'You've been accused of wizardry,' [he said]. Wizardry?" he asked.

Tampa Bay's 10 talked to the assistant superintendent with the Pasco County School District who said it wasn't just the wizardry and that Picular had other performance issues, including "not following lesson plans" and allowing students to play on unapproved computers."

Piculas said he knew nothing about the accusations.

"That... I think was embellished after the fact to try to cover what initially what they were saying to me," he said.

Wizardry. Wizardry! Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket. What's next? The comeback of phrenology? Warnings about sailing off the edge of the earth? Leeches?

I'm not going to reopen the Batshit Crazy Bowl here, but I just don't know how anyone credibly can claim that there's a crazier, nuttier state in America than Teh Wang™. And even if you can, we'll have something to top it soon, I'm sure.

(hat tip to Eschaton commenter cahuenga)

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

You know, I thought pressure-washing a child would be about as batshit crazy as Florida could get.

Turns out I was wrong.

The medical records of 28 Central Florida Regional Hospital patients were sold last month at a Salt Lake City surplus store for about $20, a newspaper reported.

The records were sold to a local school teacher looking for scrap paper for her fourth-grade class, The Deseret Morning News of Salt Lake City reported Monday. The mixup is being blamed on a shipping problem.

"I'm aghast," said Marcy Lippincott, a Florida attorney whose father's records were among those sold. "I'm wondering who to sue. It's a complete invasion of privacy. It's appalling to think your records can be out there somewhere like that."

Granted, this appears to be a shipping problem -- UPS sold the package as undeliverable -- but this could only happen to people in Florida. I'm convinced of that.

(h/t Eschaton commenter focus)

BC Bowl: new name

That epic battle between Florida and Texas over which state is wackier, the Batshit Crazy Astronaut Bowl, has become the Batshit Crazy Bowl.

Details here in the update. Also here.

Now to look for more Florida craziness ...

BCA Bowl: you wanted people, you got people!

Round 2* of the BCA Bowl ... America's Wang™ brings da funk and da noise to Texas.

Racymind doesn't like us using animals ... so although, yes, there is an animal element to this, it's really just people doing batshit crazy things with animals.

No, no, not like that. Here, take a look:

Whether an after-school activity was an educational lesson or a disturbing demonstration is being debated at a Westside school where a group of students watched as a python devoured a bunny.

[...]

After placing a large python on [the] floor, a man removes a rabbit from a cage and baits it for the snake, moving it from side to side and then releasing it seconds before the snake strikes out at the smaller animal.

"This was the biology teacher, and he asked the kids if they wanted to see it. Everyone said yes, the kid brought in the snake and they did it. There was nothing wrong with it," said student Brittney Brown.

Some Trinity parents said they were disgusted after viewing the footage, and they let the administration know.

Of course, this being Jacksonville, I'm guessing the snake's name was "Cheney" and the bunny's name was "Hillary."

Look, racy, Clear Lake may be batshit crazy, I grant you. But for sheer batshittiness for an entire state, border to border, it's Florida, hands (or paws) down.

---

* I don't know if I can keep this going for more than one post a day ... but Florida will represent, don't you worry.

Batshit Crazy Astronaut Bowl

The game is afoot.

My dear friend racymind has taken issue with my contention that Florida is the craziest state in America. She contends, through some delusion probably caused by too much inhaling of oil -- and Halliburton -- fumes in Houston, that Texas is crazier than Florida. We here in America's Wang™, however, know better.

So, she's turned it into a challenge, and I eagerly accept. Apparently Florida's claims to a batshit crazy, diaper-wearing astronaut (for whom the BCA Bowl is named, with further inspiration provided by voxpop, since said astronaut lived in Texas but went crazy in Florida) along with a dead tabloid queen and all manner of other insanity isn't enough for racymind to surrender like the dirty liberal she is (well, I am too, but that's beside the point). Hell, Fark.com even has an tag specifically for Florida.

Here's my latest evidence submitted on Florida's behalf:

Deep in the heart of the Florida Keys, wildlife officials are laying bait laced with poison to try to wipe out a colony of enormous African rats that could threaten crops and other animals.

U.S. federal and state officials are beginning the final phase of a two-year project to eradicate the Gambian pouched rats [above, not actual size], which can grow to the size of a cat and began reproducing in the remote area about eight years ago.

"This is the only place in the United States where this is occurring," said Gary Witmer, a biologist with the U.S. Department of Agriculture's National Wildlife Research Center in Fort Collins, Colorado.

In short, we have scientific testimony stating that our rats can kick the ass of every rat in America, including Texas!

Your turn, racy. Good luck -- you're gonna need it.

UPDATE (9:24 am 6/1/07): That revisionist historian racymind has decided unilaterally to remove the word "Astronaut" from the bowl's title. Presumably she got a better sponsorship offer from Batshit Crazy Potato Chips or something like that. Anyway, since Florida has such a huge lead, I'm feeling charitable, so I'll go along with her on this.

The Bowl hereafter shall be known simply as the Batshit Crazy Bowl. Its abbreviation, the "BC Bowl," sounds either vaguely prehistoric or headache-inducing (you probably have to be from the South to get that last one), but it is what it is.