Toto, I've a feeling we're not in south Florida anymore: Evolution is so silly

Welcome back to Blast Off!'s "Toto series," wherein I chronicle my adjustment to residing in America's Taint™ ...

Took a little road trip the other day, and found this sign in St. Elmo, Ala., about halfway between Mobile, Ala. and Pascagoula, Miss. Naturally, I had to stop for a photo ...

Yeah, I get the disdain for Darwin; fundies always have been allergic to science. But it's the spelling that gets to me. I mean, I've seen "your" used where "you're" ought to be -- and it drives me insane -- but "you'r?" Come on -- pick one or the other!

(And lest you think that the "E" just fell off ... the spelling was exactly the same on the other side of the sign!)

By the way, I also don't appreciate the insinuation that my nieces are monkeys.

Toto, I've a feeling we're not in south Florida anymore: You watch your mouth!

So today I'm roaming the less-traveled byways of America's Taint™ with Miss July, and we visited a little park in downtown Milton, Fla., along the scenic Blackwater River. Immediately, I was reminded that I'm not in south Florida anymore, when I spotted this sign in the park:

At first I skimmed the laundry list of do-nots and thought, "Wow, what can you do here?" ... then I saw the last line. Almost like an afterthought, yet set apart like a special guest star in a Quinn Martin production, jolting me back to the realization of where I was: "OR PROFANITY."

A DFH without profanity? That's like pizza without beer ... Milli without Vanilli ... a GOP politician with integrity ... in short, unthinkable! So, giving Miss July the camera, I responded with my own silent protest:

Toto, I've a feeling we're not in south Florida anymore: Sign, sign, everywhere a sign

For those of you enjoying the "Toto series" for the first time, this is an irregular compendium of one DFH's experiences in moving from America's Glans™ (south Florida) to America's Taint™ (northwest Florida), a/k/a "The Land That Time Forgot." Thus far the series mostly has covered the bizarre fauna native to the area, Wingnuttius maximus and Fundius christiensis, but today we'll combine the two for some really outrageous fun! And we'll do it with ... a herring! I mean, signs!

First, while most people rely on elaborate electronic surveillance and security systems to protect their homes, one Pensacola resident has a different idea altogether:

Pensacola, Fla., February 19, 2009

I really hope they have another sign that reads, "BEWARE OF GOD." 'Cause that would be funny as shit.

But the Lord's security system pales in comparison to the rich irony seen here:

Cordova Mall, Pensacola, Fla., February 20, 2009

Not to nitpick here, Mr. or Ms. Bible Quoter, but do you think the sentiment might come across just a tad more sincerely if you weren't driving a fucking Lexus?!

Truly, irony is lost on the fundies ...

Toto, I've a feeling we're not in south Florida anymore! (part 2 of an irregular series)

I don't mean to suggest that the condition of being batshit crazy in any way is confined merely to northwest Florida. But I must admit: there's a distressing preponderance of it here.

Take, for example, this letter to the editor from today's Pensacola News Journal. The stupid, it well and truly burns.

Rush Limbaugh did not say he wanted the president to fail ("Politics of destruction," Letters Feb. 5). Quite the contrary, he stated that he didn't want the president to fail, he wanted his socialistic policies to fail.

All Americans who care about their country should want this. If you don't, I suggest you read some history of countries such as Russia and China. Rush speaks the truth.

President Obama said change was coming. We see it in his cabinet nominees. If this is the best, I can't wait. At this rate, his nominees can pay off the National Debt.

The situation our economy is in is a direct result of President Carter and President Clinton, Barney Frank and company. Their policies have bankrupted this country. All attempts by Republicans to stop the waste and fraud were stopped by the Democrats and not allowed to even get out of committee for a vote. The Democrats are responsible for this mess. Man up and own up.

If Obama's socialistic policies are successful, our country as we know it is doomed and you can depend on it.

Edwin Leach
Pensacola

First of all, Rush Limbaugh, the infamous bloated drug addict of Palm Beach County, did say he hopes President Obama fails. Or did you conveniently forget the quote, Mr. Leach? Here's a reminder: "I hope he fails." Not "I hope his policies fail" or "I hope his administration fails." Nope, Rushbo clearly said "I hope he fails." Remedial reading, Mr. Leach -- you might look into it.

But that's not the truly stupid part, the part that really makes Edwin Leach too stupid to breathe. Like most of the deluded wingnuts (sorry ... I know that's redundant) hereabouts, Mr. Leach manages to blame Democrats, dating back more than three decades, for the nation's present-day economic woes. Perhaps Mr. Leach was so busy reading (or, more likely, coloring) history books about Russia and China that he completely neglected history books about his own country. That would explain why he doesn't remember the historic spending spree of Ronald Reagan, whose contribution to the national debt still plagues us.

Nor does he recall more recent history, like how Drunky McStagger turned a large budget surplus left to him by his predecessor, that nefarious rascal Bill Clinton, into a record budget deficit. He didn't do that by exercising fiscal restraint, Mr. Leach. This isn't merely partisan rhetoric, Mr. Leach -- it's documented, verifiable fact. But, naturally, wingnuts are congenitally immune to facts ... except for the fact that Clinton got a blow job in the Oval Office. Horrors!!

I would like to invite Mr. Leach to, as he so succinctly put it, "man up and own up" to his own shortcomings and recognize that his "argument," such as it is, lacks even the most basic connection to truth. Then again, if you think Rush Limbaugh "speaks the truth," well, you're probably too far gone to realize your delusions.

Toto, I've a feeling we're not in south Florida anymore

As some of you may know, for important personal reasons I've relocated -- perhaps temporarily, perhaps permanently, depending on my employment situation -- to Pensacola, Fla., deep in the heart of America's Taint™. (This also explains my absence from blogging for much of this past week.) Rather than seeing it as many people might -- as a move from a highly civilized, diverse, interesting culture to one that is, well, a little less, um, tolerant, I prefer to view this as an opportunity, at least from the perspective of a dirty fucking hippie blogger.

The contrast between the Florida panhandle and south Florida can hardly be more pronounced, yet for non-Floridians, or for those who don't realize that the Sunshine State is more than just South Beach clubs and shuffleboard, I'm pleased to present the first in a brand new occasional series here at Blast Off!, entitled "Toto, I've a feeling we're not in south Florida anymore." This series will explore the myriad ways in which one end of Florida is, oh, about 40 years behind the other end. Essentially, I now reside, at least for the time being, in the Deep South, or as I like to call it, the Land That Time Forgot.

Here's an example from my sojourns this past week:

While traveling in a rather rural part of Teh Taint™, I passed an optometrist's office, and my companion, a quasi-native of the area, gleefully (for she knows my DFH proclivities well) informed me that the office recently advertised "Sarah Palin glasses" for sale. Yes, that's right -- I now live in an area where it apparently is desirable to look (let alone think) like the woman who can see Russia from her front porch, whose command of complex political issues can best be described as "limited," in the same way that Kevin Costner's acting ability is "limited" or the Detroit Lions' football ability is "limited."

A DFH blogger in America's Taint™? Let the anthropology experiment begin.