Today's Daily Schadenfreude: Richard Mellon Scaife

Oh, this one is terrific. Schadenfreude this rich doesn't come along every day. And I'm not talking about the Miami Dolphins. (Sorry, Dolphins fans ... couldn't resist.)

Right-wing nutjob financier Richard Mellon Scaife, whose occupation consists of living off a billion and a half dollars in trust funds and who has given millions to right-wing and "family values" causes and candidates, is going through a nasty divorce. No, it's more than nasty. It's delicious.

Remember [Scaife]? The cantankerous, reclusive 75-year-old billionaire who's spent a sizable chunk of his inherited fortune bankrolling conservative causes and trying to kneecap Democrats? He's best known for funding efforts to smear then-President Bill Clinton, but more quietly he's given in excess of $300 million to right-leaning activists, watchdogs and think tanks. Atop his list of favorite donees: the family-values-focused Heritage Foundation, which has published papers with titles such as "Restoring a Culture of Marriage."

The culture of his own marriage is apparently past restoring. With the legal fight still in the weigh-in phase, the story of Scaife v. Scaife already includes a dog-snatching, an assault, a night in jail and that divorce court perennial, allegations of adultery.

Oh, and there's the money. Three words, people.

No. Pre. Nup.

[...]

The numbers are just one of many we-kid-you-not dimensions to this tale. In late 2005, [Richard's wife] Ritchie Scaife peered through a window at one of her husband's many homes and saw him with one Tammy Sue Vasco, a woman whose colorful criminal history includes an arrest for prostitution. And this tryst was no one-afternoon stand. Ritchie Scaife describes Vasco in court filings as her husband's "mistress."

It gets better.

Indeed it does. Through a catfight on the street between Scaife's wife and mistress, liaisons with said mistress at a seedy "no-tell motel," and a kidnapped dog, the story has enough twists and turns for a Lifetime movie starring Melissa Gilbert and James Brolin.

Here's one of my favorite vignettes:

One of the most astounding stacks of papers in the pile that is the Scaife divorce is the inventory of Ritchie's stuff, compiled by her lawyers. The list runs for more than 80 pages, like an episode of "Antiques Roadshow" that will not end. Meat platters, sardine forks, melon forks, a circa-1804 Dutch teapot, a painting by Magritte, Victorian cream pitchers, bread trays, candlesticks, a sterling silver nutmeg grater, flatware service . . . you get the picture. Much of it was stored at Vallamont, the weekend house Richard Scaife owns near the Rolling Rock Club.

"Defendant has and continues to unlawfully hold in his possession six pairs of asparagus tongs manufactured by Mappin & Webb, Birmingham, 1926 weighing 10 ounces total," reads one of dozens of paragraphs. "The last-known location for these items was at 'Vallamont,' 132 Pheasant Circle, Ligonier, Pa. 15658. The estimated cost for these items is $1,800."

Yep. Six pairs of asparagus tongs worth $1,800. I'd never even heard of asparagus tongs before.

Anyway, the sordid details are too numerous to recount here, so just go read the article and laugh, laugh, laugh! And, remember, this is happening to a guy who largely bankrolls the Right. Some family values there, "Dickie."

But, you know, no one leaves Blast Off! empty-handed. So, to Richard Scaife, here's something that's all your own and you don't have to share it with your wife: congratulations! Today's Blast Off! Daily Schadenfreude is for you!

BC Bowl bonus: Catching up with ... Katherine Harris

I know it's not my turn yet in the Batshit Crazy Bowl, and this is pretty old news, but still, it's worth reviewing.

I was curious about whatever happened to Krazy Kitty Harris, who apparently has faded into well-deserved and long-overdue obscurity after her humiliating landslide defeat for the U.S. Senate in 2006. Also, I was reminded of Kitty thanks to a questionable diary over at Daily Kos (a/k/a the Great Orange Satan) that alleged that she's running for her old congressional seat. I cannot find confirmation for that rumor and therefore will not link directly to that diary.

But, anyway, I have found the Batshit Craziest Place in America, and it's right here in America's Wang™. Ladies and gentlemen, Blast Off! is pleased to present the profoundly delusional and stupid citizens of Longboat Key, Florida:

Harris [received] the citizen of the year award [on February 6] at the Longboat Key Kiwanis Club dinner, held at the Colony Beach & Tennis Resort.

Members of the Kiwanis board of directors said Harris was an easy choice among eight candidates. From her controversial days as secretary of state to her losing bid for the Senate last year, there is a special toughness in Harris that many key residents recognize and value, said Kelly Kary, the Longboat Key Kiwanis Club's president.

"She's got some moxie, and a lot of people on the key see that," Kary said.

If, like me, you always wondered how someone as laughably ridiculous as Harris could be elected to Congress, well, given her batshit crazy constituency, I kind of understand now. After all ... she's got moxie! That is, enough moxie to canoodle with Rick Renzi (R-Ariz.) on the House floor in full view of C-SPAN cameras, and yes, both are married.

I mean it: these people are a special breed of fucked up. You want more?

Longboat Key residents and officials said that the only good that came out of her loss in the Senate race was that she was able to spend more time on the key and attend events like Tuesday's Kiwanis dinner. They are proud of their "Longboater," who won eight elections over the last dozen years.

"She reinforces what Longboat Key is like: a nice community filled with some very accomplished people," said Town Commissioner Bob Siekmann.

Residents still recall her poise in handling the Florida recount during the 2000 presidential race that was eventually won by George W. Bush. "Her tenacity was just terrific," said Hank Schreimann, a retiree who splits his time between St. Louis and Longboat Key.

Harris downplayed the praise heaped on her. "Everyone goes through difficult times," she said. "Maybe not a recount."

Pardon me while I vomit. "Nice community?" Yeah, so's Stepford.

Oh, yeah ... the original point of this was to find out what Krazy Kitty is doing these days ...

In an interview before accepting the award, Harris said she was about three-quarters through writing her next book, which will be about "lessons learned in the fire," she said. Since losing the Senate race, she said she has enjoyed spending time with family and friends but could eventually do policy work.

A book! Ol' Pontoons is writing a book! Look for it soon at a Christian Science Reading Room near you in the Richard Scaife Memorial Bargain Bin, along with all the garbage spewed by Ann Coulter and Dinesh D'Souza. No word yet on whether it will come with its own crayons for coloring.

I look forward to the day when the only response to Harris' name is: "Pontoons who?"