Too stupid to breathe: Jorge Velez

For the latest honoree in an occasional series on Blast Off!, I'm pleased to declare Jorge Velez of Fort Lauderdale too stupid to breathe.

Mr. Velez earned this distinction thanks to a letter he wrote (scroll down about halfway, to "Readers' corner") that was published in the current issue of City Link magazine here in America's Glans™. In it, Mr. Velez tries valiantly to defend Sarah Palin against the slings and arrows of, well, truth, but naturally he fails miserably.

Here's the letter in its entirety. It's just too good to edit (except for emphasis, all of which is mine):

I was really looking forward to [Dan Sweeney's] column on John McCain's choice for vice president ["Mixed nut," Danation, Sept. 3], but I could not stomach the entire thing. It was more gossipy than anything else, sort of a girls-trash-talking conversation in a locker room, especially the [girls] who get upset that a good-looking girl with a C-cup can get As in class or do good in sports without sleeping with the entire team or half the male faculty.

You liberals complain about McCain being too old but don't complain about Joe Biden being old. You guys complain about Sarah Palin smoking pot but don't complaint about Barack Obama doing lines of coke. She is actually the only one with any executive experience out of all of them. I take it you'd rather have her be the governor of New Jersey or Delaware or another state with an economy driven by food stamps and welfare. You want cheaper oil but you don't want to drill for it. You dwell on campaigns or cars running on methane, air or water. Maybe they should run on methane produced from farts.

Your Manchurian candidate sure looks the part and, yeah, he is a hell of a public speaker, just like Mussolini and Hitler — you missed that comparison in your flawed article. I personally don't like anything or anyone rammed down my throat, but I am sure you feel different.

As a repressed homosexual, you feel compelled to attack a woman who grew out of juvenile liberalism and raised a family and had kids and lives a good life. A conventional lifestyle is always the hardest to tolerate. I guess Sarah Palin is an easy target for cynics since she does not look like a dog.

Palin is a great woman. She was good-looking and still is. She had fun when she was young and grew out of it like most of us do. And now, she runs the state with the highest GDP per capita. Deal with it.

Jorge Velez
Fort Lauderdale

Holy fuck, where to start? Taking this apart will be almost as much fun as taking apart Lou Aguilar's screed about Huggy Bear being "the manly choice."

First of all, it's illustrative of Republicans' chief concerns -- appearance, not substance -- when you lead with the "good-looking girl with a C-cup" concept, Mr. Velez. I'll grant you that Sarah Palin is physically attractive, okay? I'll even grant you (for the sake of argument, and also because it's my shtick) that I'd hit it™, if her soul weren't such a dark, lonely, sickening place. But I want more out of my government leaders than a pretty face and a nice rack, thank you very much. And by "more," I don't mean whacked-out, fundamentalist, science-hating, abstinence-loving ideology.

Next: "You liberals complain about McCain being too old but don't complain about Joe Biden being old." Maybe that's because Biden is a healthy 65-year-old with no evidence that his mental faculties are diminished, while Huggy Bear is a decrepit 72-year-old with a myriad of health problems and, arguably, evidence that dementia already is setting in.

"You guys complain about Sarah Palin smoking pot but don't complaint about Barack Obama doing lines of coke." Who's complaining about Palin smoking pot? Hell, I'd have fired one up with her in college, if I'd had the chance. Smarter arguments, please.

Your fuel argument is ridiculous. Everyone wants cheaper oil, but drilling (and ruining the environment) is the worst-possible solution for the short term. Expanded drilling will do nothing to reduce oil and gas prices for years, maybe decades. Damn, you wingnuts are thick.

And then there's the Obama=Hitler parry. Wingnuts never get tired of comparing Obama to Hitler, because that's all they have. They can't parse Obama's substantive policy points because they aren't smart enough to understand them, and they don't have the historical knowledge or intellectual curiosity to recognize that Hitler's ideology is far closer to that of Republicans -- like Huggy Bear -- than it is, or ever was, to Obama's. In fact, I think Hitler himself would be astonished to find his positions compared to those of a center-left African-American. Come on, wingnuts -- use your brains!! (Oops, sorry ... I'm assuming facts not in evidence ...)

Then there's the "repressed homosexual" attack. Project much, Mr. Velez? You know, if you right-wing fucktards weren't so fucking scared of gay people ("Stop! Don't get near me! You might get some of that GAY on me!"), you might actually approach being human. Let's see, who have been some of the most prominent repressed homosexuals of late? Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Blowin' Bob Allen ... Republicans all. Helluva strawman there, Mr. Velez, but those nasty facts always get in the way.

Oh, and finally, Mr. Velez, running a wealthy state (by your estimation) by fiat, corruption, and intimidation isn't exactly a strong qualification to be vice president. Hell, they shouldn't call her "Governor," they should call her "Empress." And indeed, maybe they do ...

Mr. Velez, your sad, deluded state of mind previously had been known only to your family and friends. But you had to go and write a letter to City Link, thereby revealing yourself to be a fool to all of south Florida -- and beyond. I hope you're comforted with jerking off to your Hitler comparisons and Palin pictures during the coming eight years of the Obama administration -- but first, you might want to come out from under Mommy's bed. Unless that helps you get off, that is ...