When wingnuts attack

I got a doozy of an e-mail last night, so naturally I figured I'd share it here and, of course, reply here. I think my rant yesterday just got me warmed up ... and I'm feeling the Aura of Olbermann all around me.

Names have been omitted to protect the congenitally stupid. (Quick background: I sang barbershop in the late '90s, but I figure most of the barbershoppers who find my blog do so because of either this post or this one.) Anyway, without further ado:

From: [name omitted]
To: [Sinfonian]
Subject: Your website
Date: Thursday, April 10, 2008 7:29:35 PM

I was looking for barbershop info, and came across your website.
Boy, are you full of shit.
Most barbershoppers I've known are patriots that fought in the war, and would rather scrape a worm like you off the bottom of their shoe than sing with you. May be why you need 3 other singers to fill out your quartet.

Politically, you ought to grow up, wise up, or shut up.

Oh, my, how uncivil! You sing tags with that mouth, pal? Hold on a moment while I stop laughing at your ridiculous e-mail .... okay, there, I feel better.

I have no idea who you are or where you come from, but you make a few major assumptions (besides the one about how you think I give a shit what you say). Let me deconstruct it for you, because, well, it's so ridiculously easy to do so, and you obviously need help with it.

Wow ... where to begin? Okay, first, the line about "need[ing] to find a bass, a baritone, and a lead" was something we call "sarcasm." It completed my joke in a post a year ago about a barbershop quartet name. I'm not actually trying to complete a quartet, and if I were, it would be silly to say I was trying to form a quartet by myself -- not to mention logically inconsistent. But you probably don't do much logical thinking, do you? If you did, you'd be a liberal ... but never mind that. Anyway, I guess we can cross "reading comprehension" off of your list of skills.

Next: "Most barbershoppers I've known are patriots that fought in the war." I presume you are referring to the Second World War, and if so, I agree with you: they truly are patriots and heroes. Indeed, the men and women fighting in the current illegal and immoral "war" are patriots and heroes, too; unfortunately they're being used as pawns by a president who merely wants to get his rocks off by invading a country under thoroughly and completely false pretenses -- just for oil or to avenge his daddy or whatever. Your strawman, while a noble attempt to advance your rhetorical cause, falls short because you can't possibly, in any way, shape, or form, compare WWII to the current "war." We were actually defending America and her allies in World War II, not attacking the wrong country in a misguided attempt to "fight" a concept rather than a country just because of a personal vendetta by the man-child in the White House. So, remedial history would be in order for you, right after reading class.

I might add that if "most barbershoppers you've known" fought in WWII, then it follows logically that more than half of the barbershoppers you know are over 80 years old, right? So, assuming you really are talking about WWII, you're also referring to a demographic that is largely, albeit understandably, out of touch with the way things are in 2008. (Whoops, there I go with logic again. Sorry. I'll try to be more simplistic with my arguments from now on.)

As for music, I don't want to drag my former colleagues into this too far, but I sang with some great men and great singers. I was in a top-ten-in-the-world chorus whose director remains among the greatest barbershop singers of all time. They were perfectly happy to sing with me, and I never once heard them say that they preferred scraping worms from the bottoms of their shoes. Unlike you, they doggedly and loyally adhered to the SPEBSQSA (now the Barbershop Harmony Society) Code of Ethics, which states in relevant part:

• We shall deport ourselves and conduct the Society's functions in such a manner as to reflect credit upon the Society and its membership.

[...]


• We shall exhibit a spirit of good fellowship toward all members.

[...]


• We shall not use our membership in the Society for personal gain.

[...]


• We shall not permit the introduction of political, religious or other similar controversial issues into the affairs of the Society.

Yeah, um, based on your correspondence with me, you're about 0-for-4 on those, buddy. Another wingnut hypocrite? Take a number -- there's a few million other morons ahead of you.

Finally, your conclusion is classic neoconservative wingnut fascist-speak. It's just a variation on the old, tired saying, "America: Love It Or Leave It." Hey, have you ever heard of John Adams? He was the second president of the United States. There was a recent best-selling book about him and it's been turned into an HBO mini-series. (HBO is a television network ... television is the box in your living room that shows pictures when you turn it on ... with electricity ... ah, fuck it, never mind.) Last night I was watching one of the episodes when Adams was talking with Benjamin Franklin (another man you might remember ... perhaps personally), and Franklin pointed out that America was founded on the principle that people can, should, and will disagree with each other.

Yet, by your own words -- "grow up, wise up, or shut up" -- you spit in the face of Franklin and Adams and all the Founders, who fervently believed in freedom of speech. Like your wingnut heroes -- Cheney, Drunky McStagger, and the rest of the United Fascists of America -- you would rather silence those who disagree with you or shout them down with profanity and ad hominem attacks than engage them in actual discourse. You would rather marginalize your opponents in a persistent but ultimately futile effort to ignore the truth of what we say than bother your beautiful mind with the facts. In a very real sense, you would rather stick your fingers in your ears and "la, la, la" your way past any dissenting opinion, lest your brain, pickled from a steady diet of Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, and probably cheap bourbon, actually grow as the result discovering that other perspectives just might have some value and truth to them.

Am I hypocritical for criticizing your use of profanity when I've been known to do so myself? Perhaps a bit ... but the difference is that I use it to describe either public figures or a large, generally nebulous group (e.g., "fucking Republicans"), rather than writing a one-off e-mail to someone you don't even know ... someone whose life undoubtedly is far more fulfilling than your dessicated, miserable existence must be, living as you evidently do in a 1950s fantasyland where the Huns and Japs have been vanquished and everything is fucking "Leave It to Beaver." It's 2008, pal. People are dying in Iraq for no reason. Hell, people are dying in America and the Bush crime syndicate refuses to pay them any attention. It's sick, and frankly, you're sick for supporting them.

At any rate, sir, I will not shut up, and I certainly don't believe I have to "grow up" or "wise up." Rather, I think it is you, with your petty, immature e-mail attack, who ought to grow up. Don't bring a slingshot to a gun fight, buddy. If you're interested in carrying on an actual debate about facts and issues, fine. But first, come out of your cave into the light. Join us in the 21st Century. And work on those ethics while you're at it.

Not all barbershoppers are gay

Only the Republican Senator ones.

(L-R) Sen. Trent Lott (R-Miss.), former Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho), former Attorney General and Sen. John Ashcroft (R-Mo.)

Yesterday, the internets were buzzing about the allegations (broken on Big Head DC) that Sen. Trent Lott (R-Miss.) patronized a male escort, leading to his surprising announcement that he will resign by the end of the year, in the middle of his term. So far, there's been no real corroboration of the Lott-is-gaiii allegations, but the escort, Benjamin Nicholas, issued the following statement late yesterday afternoon:

“Here’s my public comment, on-the-record: Sen. Lott and I have no current affiliation with one another. I’m sure he would appreciate no further scrutiny.”

I don't want to read too much into the fact that Nicholas said "no current affiliation," but left unanswered whether or not they had a past affiliation. It would, of course, be irresponsible not to speculate.

But, as a former barbershop singer, I strenuously object to any insinuation that singing barbershop music leads to teh gaiii. The correlation between barbershopping and teh gaiii is tenuous at best. However, the correlation between teh gaiii and hypocritical GOP Senators is undeniable: 4% is getting close to a pattern, no? (And I'm not even counting Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham ...)

So far, Larry Flynt has been somewhat silent on the matter:

HUSTLER Magazine has received numerous inquiries regarding the involvement of Larry Flynt and HUSTLER in the resignation of Trent Lott. Senator Lott has been the target of an ongoing HUSTLER investigation for some time now, due to confidential information that we have received.

Contrary to Big Head DC's crowing, I don't think this constitutes confirmation of the allegations. But stay tuned ... this one's going to be fun!

The Three Stooges, GOP style

(L-R) Sen. Trent Lott (R-Miss.), Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho), former Attorney General John Ashcroft (R-Mo.)

Now, that's what I call an "O" face ...

(h/t Free Williamsburg)

Best barbershop quartet name ever

I just had a flash of inspiration.

Ever since I was active in barbershop singing about seven or eight years ago, I have been trying to come up with the perfect quartet name.

I think I finally did.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Camus and the Three Shakespeares™!!!

Now I just need to find a bass, a baritone, and a lead ...