Jeb! Bush: he's baaaaaaaack!

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

In an effort to boost their sagging tea bags reputations, Republicans are pulling out all the stops with their new PR campaign. And one of those stops is named Bush.

Specifically, former Florida governor, has-been, and all-around douchebag Jeb! Bush, who along with fellow shills for the selfish way of life like once and future presidential candidate Mitt Romney and congressional doofus Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Va.), among others, is beginning an undoubtedly personally lucrative speaking tour to tell people that Republicans have a new message for a "New America," namely, that ... um ... er ... well ... we're not sure, but we know it's not what's happening now:

"You can't beat something with nothing, and the other side has something," Bush told a group of about 100 people at the Pie-Tanza pizza parlor. "I don't like it, but they have it and we have to be respectful and mindful of that.

"I hope across the country people will be excited about the prospect of sharing their ideas to bring about a better America," he said.

A hundred poor, misbegotten souls at a pizza place in northern Virginia to hear Jeb! talk about, um, I guess doing different things? Wow, that's an auspicious start to a nationwide movement right there, you betcha. Maybe that's because we already figured out how to bring about a better America, starting with electing Democrats to office? Geez, these Republicans are dense.

Oh, and speaking of "you betcha," failed 2008 presidential candidate Huggy Bear is a part of this group, as are sycophantic southern governors Bobby Jindal of Louisiana and Haley Barbour of Mississippi, but notably absent is presumed 2012 presidential nomination front-runner Sarah Palin (and, for that matter, Newt Gingrich). You don't suppose there's just a smidgeon of internal dissension in the GOP right now, do you?

Nevertheless, the star of this Ship of Fools clearly is Jeb! himself. It tells you a lot about a movement when the frontman is a guy who, as governor of the nation's fourth-largest state, destroyed public education, contravened the law to put his brother in the White House, and haphazardly injected himself into an intensely personal debate over the fate of Terri Schiavo. What it tells me is that this effort is doomed from the start:

"He's really the perfect person to do it because he governed successfully for eight years in a swing state, a purple state, as a conservative and left office very popular," said Justin Sayfie, a former Bush aide who last year started his own group called "Rebuild the Party."

But Bush's brand of leadership is also associated with the rigid conservatism that some Republicans blame for repelling voters and most recently, veteran Sen. Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, who switched parties.

[...]

"Jeb may be a better spokesman for the Republican Party than Rush Limbaugh, but that's a very low bar," quipped Democratic state Sen. Dan Gelber of Miami Beach. "He wears the right-wing badge very proudly, and as governor he didn't have any appetite for moving the party to the center."

The new group also includes Republican presidential nominee John McCain, prompting the national Democratic Party to circulate a blogger's snarky observation that "things are really humming along when your 'rebranding' effort is led by your recently crushed presidential nominee and your discredited party leader's brother."

Sayfie called that a "cheap shot." He added, "People judge the governor on his record and the president on his record."

Sure they do, Justin, and it's precisely why Barack Obama occupies the White House right now, there are 59 -- soon to be 60 -- Democrats in the U.S. Senate, and your party has to launch a barely noticeable dog-and-pony-show to say, "Hey, America, we're still relevant! Really, we are! We're not just a bunch of aging white plutocrats who want only to preserve our power!" Only, that's exactly what the GOP is today. You see, Justin, "successfully" means something other than what you think it means ... and Jeb! only "governed successfully" if you're an aging white plutocrat -- or you want to be one.

Jeb! deserves full credit not only for destroying public education in Florida, but also for leading the charge to destroy public transportation by forging an altogether harmful agreement with rail conglomerate CSX, one that ensured the demise of clean, safe, efficient, speedy light rail for Florida for the foreseeable future. But, go ahead, Republicans, roll out another Bush to try to save the day. Only problem is: the barn door's already been open for far too long. And there's only one word to describe the GOP's current predicament: FAIL.