And the schadenfreude just keeps on comin'

What a day for taking delight in the misfortune of others!

Locally, it's always fun to laugh and point at the ridiculously out-of-touch residents of Palm Beach (the village, not the county -- although the county has plenty of crazies, too). Whether it's resisting the scourge of Starbucks (classic quote: "These folks hang around for hours, and you will positively love their dress code and personal grooming. Some of the body piercings are quite imaginative") or litigating over the size of a flag, you can always count on the fabulously wealthy and impossibly short-sighted denizens of Palm Beach to put things into perspective -- their perspective.

Today's front page exposé in the Palm Beach Post reveals the most egregious residential users of water in the county, and the top ten all are multimillionaires in Palm Beach. For those of you not resident here in America's Glans™, you may not be aware that we are battling a significant drought here, as we await the arrival of our traditional summer rains. Of course, the biggest whiners about having to reduce their water consumption are the folks in Palm Beach.

And you won't believe the level of their consumption (.pdf) ...

Click on the headline if you want to see a larger version. Yep, the leader in the clubhouse is 1.84 million gallons in a month. And number 3 on the list, Sydell Miller, is just shy of a million gallons.

In the good times, Sydell Miller's Palm Beach estate was a paradise based on water. Lots and lots of water.

Take her 2-acre lawn of golf-course-quality grass, fronting more than 300 feet of rock-strewn ocean beach. Sprinklers sprayed it three times a day.

The 128 windows got daily washings from automated nozzles to ward off salty corrosion. The clay tennis court consumed roughly 200,000 gallons each month, hydrotherapy needed to keep its surface intact.

Toss in the koi pond, the goldfish pond, the date and coconut palms, the impatiens, the oleanders, the lime trees and the 48 water-cooled air-conditioning units, and it's easy to see why the hair-care billionaire's home has ranked among Palm Beach County's gallon-consuming elite.

But lately, her estate manager says, drought has choked the flow.

The lawn is a drab pea-green, with broad patches of tan showing through like the worn fabric in a sofa cushion. Workers squeegee the windows by hand. The tennis court is getting no water at all and probably will require $12,000 of resurfacing.

"It's heartbreaking to see what the conditions are now," manager Charles Coxwell said while leading two visitors on a tour of La Rìverie, Miller's 3.7-acre estate next to Rod Stewart's. "When it's in its glory and everything is lush and green, it's a fantastic view."

I'm sorry, but I really can't work up much sympathy for people who are spending over $60,000 a year on water alone.

Of course, the problem isn't confined to Palm Beach, but it's Palm Beach that is doing the most whining (and therefore is most worthy of schadenfreude). Take one of the famous folks elsewhere in the county:

On the mainland, the most famous big customer might be golfer Jack Nicklaus, who consumed a comparatively thrifty 313,000 gallons a month last year at his North Palm Beach home. That was still enough to rank the Golden Bear's No. 12 among homes served by utilities other than West Palm Beach.

Spokesman Scott Tolley said the Nicklauses are taking extensive conservation steps while experimenting with drought-tolerant grasses and operating a private nursery, which has several hundred palm trees.

Those steps include installing drip irrigation systems, which apply water to plants' roots instead of spraying it around.

Okay, so 313,000 gallons a month isn't chump change, but at least they're doing something to conserve.

So, waaaah, waaaah, Sydell Miller and your pals on top of the human water consumption pyramid. While you spend more on water in a year than most people earn, please allow me to offer you a nice piping hot cup of shut the fuck up.